What kills me makes me feel alive
by crotia
Summary: After Edward leaves Bella keeps seeking out the danger until she gets at the BAU. But what will happen if her past catches up with her. A story about dealing, changing, forgiving and moving on. Contains vampire unsubs, the Cullens in a non bashing way, a not mentally healthy Bella and Bella/Edward. (warning: SH)
1. prologue

I forgot before but I do not earn anything with this and Criminal minds, twilight and anything that can be brought in connection to this is not mine and credit fro that goes to the rightful owner.

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_**What kills me makes me feel alive**_

_Experience is the hardest teacher. It burns you insides until there's nothing left untouched. But after a while the remains cool down and it has changed you. It is experience who made me who I am now. But that's only until a new experience starts burning into my flesh again. And once again "I" will have another definition. Because the "I" that is now won't be any more than. -me_

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R&amp;R

BTW. I try to update on the 2th, 9th, 16th, and 23th of every month. But this will be 1 chapter from 1 of my stories. And even though it shouldn't be so. Positive reactions to a story do unconsciously influence my choosing and writing. So I there will be stories that I update more than others.


	2. From clumsy and shy to ass kicking FBI

1\. From clumsy and shy to ass kicking FBI

This was it. Finally. After years of training I was finally in the BAU. Me the clumsy Isabella Swan was a FBI agent. If someone would have told me I would join the FBI years ago I would have thought them crazy. But as it is I was on my way to my first day in Quantico.

Funny how things can go completely different as you thought they'd go. After _He _left I was numb. It was months before I started to live again. I still remember that day. Charlie had told me to do something fun with Angela. And I did. And then there were those men. They weren't that dangerous really. But the adrenaline had pumped through my veins and then _He _was there, telling me to keep save.

After that day I started hanging out with Jacob and later also the rest of the pack. I drove motorcycle and did other things with 'my soft furry friends'. At first the thrill from riding a motorcycle was enough to let me see _Him_ again, but after a little while he didn't show anymore. In the mean time I drove like a pro.

I started sparring with the pack and sometimes joined in there fights. They always went easy on me of course but it still gave a thrill.

Jacob's crush on me stopped when he found his inprent: a sweetest girl who had moved from NY. We soon found out her father thought beating the crap out of her was funny. We did everything we could and got the bastard locked up. She was adopted by sue and Charlie who became a couple after Harry died.

And then there was graduation. I had changed a lot since _He _left but _He_ was still everywhere around me. I had become kind of addicted to the thrill of danger but the more I did something the lesser the thrill and the lesser _He _showed up. And so I chose to become a cop.

And I was fearless. After my years of tagging along with the pack my motor skills and other body functions had greatly improved. Don't get me wrong I was still clumsy and stuff but it was manageable and I knew how to defend myself. And by the time I was through the police training I was ready for some real danger.

I hadn't planned on being a cop in a relatively safe area in the first place but I wanted some good action. So I became a cop in Las Vegas. But the boys at the station all liked me a little too much so they decided keep me safe. Basically they got to do all the shootings and fighting criminals. Not that I blamed them cause they were still better at jumping over stuff and chasing after criminals.

After a year or two being a cop I went to the FBI academy hoping that chasing down the really dangerous criminals would give me more time of listening to _His _beautiful voice.

And at the times other people started giving up because things got though, I didn't. Because when they wanted to crawl under tables and couldn't deal with the emotional stress I got through just fine because after _He _left I learned how to keep functioning when tearing up on the inside. Besides there was nothing that could happen that would hurt more than _His _leaving.

And when other people were freaking out because things got dangerous I stayed calm and felt better than ever because his velvet voice was next to me, pointing out things my subconscious had noticed but I hadn't. And like I said earlier I was fearless. I guess what they say is true. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

...

I took a deep breath and walked into the FBI building. I went up a pair of stairs on my way to the BAU. And then I finally walked in. It was a large open room with a lot of desks. On my left side I could see some stairs leading to a handful of offices.

I saw a woman walking with some papers. She wore a lot of bright clothing. I knew only one person who whore that kind of clothes. _Alice. _I cringed at the thought of my former best friend. I wanted to curl up into a ball and wrap my arms around my torso to try lessening the pain. But instead I turned to the woman who was now looking through some papers.

"Hey, do you know where I can find agent Hotchner?"

She pointed somewhat vaguely behind her to where three man stood. Two were talking and the third was staring at me.

When I neared them the dark skinned man who had been staring at me asked "Hey, you alright? Can we help you with something?"

Now the other two men looked up too. _Great, just what I need. Way to go Bella. _I made a mental note to remember these people were a little more perceptive than most. The old one was looking at me while the other one raised an eyebrow to the one that had spoken.

I realized they were waiting for my answer and I started blushing. "I'm looking for agent Hotchner."

"That would be me" the younger white male said. "Please follow me to my office."

I followed him to one of the offices and he motioned for me to sit down. "I assume you are Isabella Swan." I nodded "Ok agent Swan, you came just at the right time we have a meeting about a case in 10 minutes. Do you have a go-bag ready?" I nodded again. "Good, I ..."

We were interrupted by a ringing phone. "Excuse me I have to take this. The dark skinned agent is agent Morgan go to him he will help you settle further for now." With that he picked up the phone and I walked out of his office.

I scanned the room for agent Morgan and saw him sitting behind a desk. "Hey, you're agent Morgan right?"

"Depends who's asking"

"I'm Bella Swan. I'm the new profiler, agent Hotchner got a call and told me to go to you."

"Well, miss Swan. It seems there are two little mistakes in what you just said" He said with a deadly serious face. "For one everyone on this team calls Hotch Hotch except from Rossi who calls him Aaron and second I'm just Morgan." After he said that he gave me a charming smile.

Then a young male in his mid-twenties spoke up "But he also listens to: Gorgeous, Sugar, Sugar shack, Angel, My sweet, Cochise, Baby..."

"Yeah, that's enough kid. " Morgan cut him off as several people started snickering.

Then the woman from earlier came barging in. "Hey hot stuff, guess which milk chocolate Greek god is going to watch "magic Mike" with me tonight? eh? " She stopped right before Morgan and gave him a friendly poke.

The other people started snickering harder and a black haired woman started laughing out loud. Morgan sighed.

"You know I do a lot for you babydoll, but I'm not going to watch half naked men. Don't you have female friends for things like that? Besides we have a case to work on."

"Ahw, why can't those serial killers respect that we want some fun time too."

"Oh well, gorgeous, JJ, Emily, pretty boy. This is our new member: Bella Swan. Swan these people are: our tech analyst Penelope Garcia, media liaison Jennifer Jareau, dr. Spencer Reid and agent Emily Prentiss." He pointed to the different people while naming them." Oh, and the older man who was with us when you asked for Hotch was David Rossi. The desk over there will be your desk."

Then Rossi came through the door. "Hey children playtime is over." He looked at me. "ah, you're agent Swan then. Welcome in the BAU. Don't let them scare you away after a while you become more or less accustomed to them. Though Reid never seizes to amaze me." Reid frowned while the rest of us walked to the conference room.


	3. scars, memories and perceptive people

2\. Scars, memories and perceptive people

Morgan's pov

(3 months later)

We made our way to the jet. We had caught yet another insane serial killer. We probably saved the lives of some unknown people But I knew for some people it was too late.

I made an effort to think about something else knowing this would just ruin my mood. So I decided to contemplate our newest member.

She was about two months Reid's senior. Both were twenty-eight. But other than that she was nothing like him. She was kick ass and he was brains. But they both had some trouble connecting it seemed.

With Reid I know he is socially awkward. But she doesn't really seem all that awkward. Just a little distant. She is a nice colleague but when things get personal she passes.

Sometimes I saw how she gasped and clamped her chest with a really pained look on her face, but it was only for a moment before she hid it.

I also caught her a few times looking into the distance without emotion and hardly moving at all. Then I wondered if she had gone catatonic, but she never had.

And there had been one day that she had just been. She had done exactly what she needed to do but she wasn't really there. That had scared the crap out of each of us. When asked about it later she said that date just held really bad memories.

And I hadn't even started about the nightmares. Twice she had fallen asleep on the jet despite her obvious effort not to.

At first everything would be pretty normal. But after a while she'd start moaning softly. Now we knew that was our clue to wake her up. (Though the second time she was apparently too tired to wake up. Obviously she didn't really sleep well.) But the first time she gave us quiet the scare:

_Hotch was filling out paperwork in the corner; Rossi was ticking on his little laptop, Probably writing for his new book; JJ and Emily were silently playing a game of cards; I was listening to some music and our two youngest members were sleeping across from me. _

_Bella suddenly started moaning. And not some occasional which just happens when dreaming something rather unpleasant but really pained moans._

_Her face twisted and she really looked in pain. "Alice, please I need you. You said you loved me Edward. Edward don't come he'll kill you. Edward I'm fine. Aarghhhhh" A hard wrenching scream made everyone jump. _

_"Lauren what are you doing here? I thought you didn't feed from humans anymore but why are your eyes red?" _

_Didn't feed from humans?! Wow she was having some weird nightmare. And there was that strange pose again she sometimes had._

_"Don't worry Jasper. I don't blame you. I was just clumsy you didn't want to try to kill me. I'm just a pet. They didn't love me. Why would someone so perfect love me? Eeeddwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!" She screamed again and Reid was the first of us to come back to his senses. _

_He started shaking her awake. After a while and some cold water she woke up. When we asked if she was okay she shrugged it off as no big deal._

What worried us was that some things came back in most of these nightmares. So they must be based on something. And with some of the things she said that was rather frightening.

But other than that she was a true gain for the team. She could approach the most dangerous criminals without so much of a flinch. She was fearless. And especially in situations where stuff got dangerous she could keep her head cool and noticed things others didn't.

Sometimes I even saw a small smile grace her lips when the bullets were flying around or when she approached a dangerous unsub. All of us had adrenaline rushes in that kind of situations, but where _our_ adrenaline was accompanied by stress and fear (even though people who didn't know us rarely saw it). She seemed to get some kind of serene happiness from it.

That made her better in that kind of situations than us cause she didn't seem to have emotional stress to deal with. To be honest she seemed more at peace at those moments than she normally did. That made a person wonder what kind of horrible things happened to her.

But according to Hotch there was nothing in her file. And it wasn't really interfering with her work. It was rather handy in those situations. Though I knew for certain I wasn't the only one silently keeping an eye on her.

Hotch pov

(6 weeks earlier)

"Bella, would you mind staying a little longer. There are some things I want to discuss." I asked as the others made their way towards the elevator. Glad to go back to their homes and loved ones.

"Sure."

We walked towards my office. She looked a little nervous. But honestly the others would too.

"Don't worry. You haven't done anything wrong. I just want to talk about your adjusting to the team and I want to go over your file again now that I know you better." She didn't look all that relieved.

"There isn't anything interesting about my file if I'm not mistaken."

"No but I haven't had a chance to really go over it cause the first time I hardly knew who you were. Just humor me."

We sat down. And I pulled her file out of my desk. "So, how many cases have you done now? Five if I'm not mistaken. You didn't seem to have any problems adjusting to this new job."

"Yes, I really like the job and everyone has been great."

I inwardly sighed. This wouldn't be simple. Though she really was good in stressful situations and she wasn't dumb either, we had all noticed the way she sometimes lost herself in thought with that sad look in her eyes or cringed like something was really hurting her. It signalled that something had happened with her. She hadn't really made attachments to the team.

Our team was like a family. And I know not everyone is a social person, but it looked like she _tried _to keep distance. When we talked about doing something nice she didn't join the conversation, she never talked about herself and she hadn't really started making friend-like bonds with anyone like Garcia and Morgan or David and I.

"Bella, in your file is nothing really serious. But I'm not blind neither are the others. Is there something you want to share with us?"

"No, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"If you don't want to talk about that's fine for now. But it can't affect your job, so make sure you don't let it. If you want to talk about it or some advise my door is open and I know the others' as well. You are not the only one who has a past Bella. And you need to form friendships with the others. We are a team not just colleagues. In our line of work we encounter some pretty awful things and you really need other people to help you through when you have a hard time. Believe me we've all been there."

She looked up at me with those sad brown eyes and I really wanted to help her but I couldn't force it upon her. Seeing how tired she looked I decided I'd better give her a ride home. Her car was broke so she was with the bus anyway. "Come I'll give you a ride home."

She blushed. "That really isn't necessary."

"Nonsense, I want to and you your apartment is at the North side right?" She nodded.

"I need to go get Jack somewhere from the Westside anyway so it isn't any trouble." That wasn't really true but she didn't need to know that. So together we drove to her apartment.

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Ok, I decided to update this now instead of the second because I have time now anyway. Thanks for hanging in there. I know I haven't done anything with the vamps yet but that will be up next chapter. And of course the pack will join too. Last two chapters were mostly a try to make a good base. Here's a little preview to make it up to you:

_And there is always the name 'James' carved in the arm of the victim" I felt the need to puke increasing._

Also I want to special thank: Decadenceodmysoul, because you were the first out of all those people who read this that took the effort to review.

, for pointing out my horrible mistake that I have now corrected

And people I would like it if you told me what you like and or give constructive criticism cause that helps me improve. But it isn't obligatory of course


	4. Nephillim

3\. The nephilim

(Bella's pov)

I was finally starting again. I just got back from a month's leave. Now you might assume I've had a nice vacation trip. But that's far from true. There had been an incident where an unsub held me captive for a little before he nearly killed me. And of course people assumed I would need some rest after that.

Never mind that the adrenaline was my drug. To keep busy I had volunteered at a homeless shelter. And done some pretty reckless driving on my motorcycle went to some dangerous areas in town and I had developed a pretty bad habit. Abusing my thighs.

I really had become accustomed to danger with the BAU. Now I was on my way to Cohasset Minnesota. The others were there already and I had put my foot down insisting that I'd join them. There was some case involving some kind of teenager cult. After a day on the road she finally arrived at the police station of Cohasset. She walked inside and was directed to the room set up for the BAU. Reid was staring at some pictures of some boys when she walked in.

"Hi Swan, nice to see you again." He said. His eyes gliding over my pail face and bags under my eyes.

"Nice to be back." I responded while walking towards the board. "What can you tell me about the case?"

"Three teens are missing. Rumor has it an exclusive group of teens that works similar to a cult has something to do with this. However we have a hard time getting information about this group and can't confirm how this group is connected to the missings yet."

"Ok, any idea about the leader yet."

"No, but Hotch and JJ are talking to one of the missing person's girlfriend."

"Ok, I'll take a look"

I went towards the interrogation rooms and stood behind the black screen.

There was a girl in there of about 15 years of age.

"...they are obsessed with the Platts. They say they are niphilim. They are holy and we should honor them. Lately Charles started to get impatient with them and went in discussion with a few of their group. Now he's gone." She started crying.

"Do you think this group did this?" JJ asked gently.

"Yes"

Hotch stood and left the room I went to him.

"Hey Bella good to see you again. Are you ok?" Hotch asked referring to the incident that made me take leave.

I got really agitated under his attention.

"I'm fine really. The whole leave of absence wasn't necessary really."

Hotch raised an eyebrow. "In any case it's good to have you back. I want Garcia to check out this family. Do you want to come with us to get Dr. Platt after that?"

"Sure but let me go to the toilet first."

All the attention made me unnerved and I knew just the thing to help me with that. I went to the bathroom and took out a knife and went to work. Relishing in the relieve it gave me. I didn't see Edward though. I needed to keep cutting deeper to let him appear and sometimes I didn't need it.

The whole team joined and we drove to the address of the Platt's. Outside it had started storming. But we wanted t clear the case as soon as possible so we went together with the whole team.

Garcia had found out that they had changed their names but couldn't get through to where they came from such as birth records. At least not real ones. At some point they had started a new existence a few years ago. There were the needed papers to cover up for mild research though so they had put in effort to cover things up.

Garcia would keep looking. We went to their place.

However near our destination one of the cars got blown into a three. Spencer broke his leg. And my arm was definitely bruised. And the storm kept getting worse. Our phones didn't work so that couldn't help us either.

Our only hope was getting shelter at the home of the Platts. We agreed to be on our guard. After all they were unsubs. Or at least they were the center of something alike a new religion.

We drove in one car to the house. Spencer was obviously gritting his teeth in pain.

We arrived at a beautiful home. Spencer was lifted out of the car and he yelped in pain. The door opened to a stunning pixie like girl. "Bella" she called out and I fainted.

...

I woke up inside the house to a pair of golden concerned eyes. Esme. "Bella honey you look awful. Are you hurt?" "I'm Ok. Just need to go to the loo"

I went to the loo and started cutting. I needed some kind of real sensation because it felt like I had finally lost it.

Edward was there with me. Telling me to stop cutting. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't deal with this.

"Bella stop now or I'm going to break down this door" Carlisle voice said from outside.

Shit. Stupid vampires. I stopped.

"I finish up with your colleague after that we'll talk in my study. You can go upstairs."

He left and I went upstairs looking for his study. He probably didn't want the blood to get everywhere. In a way he saved me because I had made really deep cuts and they were leaking through my jeans. I would probably get fired for this or forced on sick leave. Again.

But I knew he only did that as a doctor not because he cared about me. And so I sat in his study and waited.

JJ's pov

The door opened to a pretty pixie like girl with black hair. "Bella" she called out. We all looked at Bella in surprise whose face got pale and then she fainted. Immediately Morgan was by her side. I probably wasn't the only one who wondered why Bella hadn't told us she knew them.

"Can you explain to us why you know her and why she fainted when seeing you? Miss Platt?" Hotch asked.

The girl nodded. "Sure but won't you rather come inside for that. The weather keeps getting worse. And that poor guy looks like he could use some medical assistance." The girl said referring to Spencer. Hotch thought about it and then nodded his head.

At that moment three gorgeous men came outside. A huge boyish young man walked towards Bella and lifted her in his arms with the tenderest expression on his face I had ever seen.

The two other men walked towards Spencer to help get him inside. Hotch seemed doubtful of letting Spencer go to the Platts. "Relax I'm a doctor I can help him. One of the two said. He still seemed doubtful and looked at Bella. "You have guns and if we are a danger to anyone you can use them." The man said trying to convince Hotch to let them help. Hotch gave in. Probably for the best cause Spencer needed help.

They lifted Spencer with ease and brought him inside. Bella was already on a couch.

The girl who had opened the door suddenly was there with a big bag besides the doctor.

The man calmly started to work on Spencer's leg. He obviously knew what he was doing.

Meanwhile a beautiful woman showed us seeds and introduced herself as Esme Platt. The wife of Dr. Platt. Then she went to sit with Swan. I sat at a large white chair watching closely what all the family members were doing. And so were the others I saw. Hotch was pacing back and forth.

Bella woke up but before we could talk to her she excused herself to the toilet. A while after that Dr. Platt want outside the room. And came soon back. But no Bella.

"Where is Bella?" Hotch asked. The pixie girl left the room.

"Bella went for a nap. She's upstairs."Dr Platt answered calmly.

We send concerned looks between us. We didn't like the lack of control and knowledge in this situation. Carlisle turned his back to us for a moment and turned back around. Suddenly I felt calm, tired and relaxed. My gut seemed to tell me it was OK.

"Does anyone want some soup?" Mrs. Platt asked. We just nodded. Not really thinking about anything but these kind people while Dr. Platt left the room.

I was sitting on Carlisle couch pressing toilet paper on my legs to keep blood from getting everywhere when Carlisle came in. His big brown bag in his hand. "Remove your jeans and go sit on my desk please." Carlisle said. I reluctantly applied. He started treating my wounds without a word.

When he was done he turned around facing the door giving me opportunity to redress myself.

This was nothing more than fates cruel joke. I was going to need to solve this case and stay here a few more days and then they would-be gone from my life again. The pain was already too much to bear. Carlisle turned around again and mentioned me to sit. I didn't want to because I didn't want to hear him confirm my thoughts. But I still did. "Bella, why?" He sounded tormented. "Why go for this dangerous job why mutilate yourself like you just did?"


End file.
